WTF

I would like to begin by saying that there are far too many bad things in this world. Like politics and hubristic fantasy authors. But They are fortunately all made up for by the likes of the good folks at Cracked.

I've spent approximately the last ninety minutes reading their various lists. Some of these things are just fantastic. My personal favorite is Top Five Questions Season Two of Heroes Had Better F@#king Answer, followed closely by The Twelve Most Ridiculous Similes in Music History. There's also a good one about Apocalyptic predictions.

That said, there are a lot of things that still piss me off. Like this one stoplight in downtown Rolla. Let's put aside for the moment that nearly all of downtown Rolla pisses me off, especially since they keep digging trenches on Pine Street and lining them with stakes made from sharpened toothbrushes and nuclear weapons. This one stop light has the incredible ability to turn any given motorist into an utter moron. It sends out undetectable cosmic rays that turn the human brain into a sack of hair. In proximity to this stoplight, people forget that you have to yield on green when making a left turn, that you have to fucking go when the light turns green except in the above situation, and that even if you're doing differential equations with your right hand, if your left is holding a cellular phone and/or a cigarette whose ashes are dripping onto your bigass Dodge truck's exposed gas tank, you're going to look like an idiot. And I'm going to shout this change in your status to the top of my lungs while stewing in my impotent, Explorer-shrouded rage. A further cosmic joke is that the more or less constant destruction of Pine Street forces me to take a detour through this light at least twice a day.

Also, Windows Vista makes me want to bleed. But are they working to make it better? Of course not; they're already off developing the next act of software terrorism that will be cool for approximately eight seconds before its "security features" force me to drive my Labrador's rawhide bone through my left temple. All in the name of helping me to view my home page in the fonts I want from the public computer terminals that Microsoft continues to imagine are proliferating. Internet cafés were cool in 1999, in Poland, but not any more. Having an operating system that fucking works is apparently of tertiary concern to 1)making sure the idiots on YouTube can find their videos of William Sledd's fashion critiques NOW and 2)that the subtitles to those videos are delivered invariably in Wingdings.

But seriously, read some Cracked. A spoonfull of the ridiculous helps the harsh reality of our sick, sad world go down with the dull, aching burn of Sake, rather than salted orange juice poured into an open wound.

Robert Jordan's passing

I will admit that I am a selfish man. When I first heard of Robert Jordan's death, my first reaction was, "Oh, please tell me he at least finished book 12 first."

He did not. I have heard rumors that his wife knows the ending, but all that means is that a lesser writer will finish the work began by a master, if those of us who have been waiting for YEARS to get the last book--number 12!!--even get an ending at all. The man who promised to keep writing "until they nail[ed] shut his coffin" (as it said on the back page of his every book), discovered he's not immortal, after writing superfluous prequels and keeping a blog about his rare medical condition. The "2,000 page monster" we were promised will, in all likelihood, never arrive.

Grieve. Both for the loss of one of the truly great, and for the curse of hubris.

The Greatest Generation

I got this email forwarded from my boss this morning. It touts the greatness of the baby boomers through generation X. Rather than editing out all of the >s and poor punctuation, I left them in to preserve just how irritated it made me and hopefully will make you.

This chain letter should have come with an addendum saying, "Thanks to this batch of 'the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever' we now have things like global warming, terrorism and a world full of countries that hate us. Thankfully we have the catharsis of running with scissors to help us cope."

Oh, and the exortation to send it on or God will be mad at you really completes it.

===
>
> READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU
DON'T
> READ ANYTHING ELSE---VERY WELL STATED TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the
1930s,
> 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!! First, we survived being born to mothers who
smoked
> and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese
> dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after
that
> trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with
bright
> colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
doors
> or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention,
the
> risks we took hitchhiking. As infants &children, we would ride in cars
with
no
> car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a
pick
> up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the
garden
> hose and NOT from a bottle.We shared one soft drink with four friends,
from
one
> bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread
and
> real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight
> because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the
morning
and
> play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No
one
was
> able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building
our
> go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we
forgot
> the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve
the
> problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games
at
> all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound
or
> CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat
> rooms........ WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!We fell
out
of
> trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from
these
> accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not
live
> in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games
with
> sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did
not
> put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and
knocked
> on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little
> League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to
> learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent
bailing
> us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the
law!
> These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers
> and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation
and
> new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we
learned
> HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!You might
want
> to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before
the
> lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own
> good.While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how
brave
> (and lucky) their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the
house
> with scissors, doesn't it?! The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:'With
> hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe
> thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the
> threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time
to
> take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?' For those that prefer to think
that
> God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this. For the rest of
> us...pass this on.